Emotionnnnsss

I've been taking the time to read the blogs of the other people here lately, and the common thread throughout them is how emotional and personal they are getting. I think I've done a pretty good job of recounting trips and activities, and certainly analyzing the Northeastern co-op process. However I have to say that "personal reflection" is not typically something that makes it into my blog posts. The main reason for this is...me. If you know me, then this fact shouldn't be much of a surprise. I'm often told that I don't "open up", or that I am not much of a "sharer". My best friend likes to make the joke that she literally forced me into being friends with her. Of course this isn't entirely true, I did like her. But I'll give her the credit, she basically beat information out of me until I had no choice but to become comfortable talking about almost everything. So in the spirit of being a good blogger, here is my best attempt at getting "personal":

1. Is this it?

'We only have 3 months left! OMG this experience is half gone already! The one month marker?!' I would say for the first half of this experience I was consistently waiting for it to really begin, waiting for something to click, something to happen. Finally a few weeks ago I had to come to the realization that this is it. This isn't to say that I have had a bad time here, however I can't say that life in Lyon has really been all that riveting. Bland would be a good word for it. We have our occasional spurts of creativity, but for the most part every day is the same. We get up, go to class, complain, go home, get bread, and then retreat to our separate rooms to chat online, download movies, or spend inordinate amounts of time on Sudoku. Everyone that I know who has studied abroad previously returns home with at least a few crazy stories from where they were, and most are dying to go back. I can honestly say when I leave here, I will very likely never return to Lyon. And as far as stories go? Sure I have some good ones, but the ones from times actually spent in Lyon are few and far between. It's a weird feeling. I can't say that I'm disappointed, more just neutral and indifferent...but is that really how I'm supposed to feel when I'm finally living a dream that I have had since middle school???

2. Am I the bitch?

I'm not sure if it's validated, but I have this nagging feeling that the French kids think I'm a bitch. It's not that I'm mean to them, however I'll be the first to admit that my days of putting in effort to get to know them are long since over. At the beginning I really did try, but somewhere between the culture shock, home stress, weekend trips, and eventual frustration with just about everything French, my motivation deteriorated. Coming into this experience the prospect of going to school with all French students really excited me. I had an idyllic vision of myself speaking fluent french (ha) and making a slew of international friends. However upon arrival it did not take long to figure out that the reality would be far from that. I have made a few French friendships that I truly do hope continue, but the vast majority of them I don't even speak to. I don't really have anyone to blame for this but myself. Can I honestly say that I've been putting in a lot of effort to improve my French? No. Have I really tried to reach out and understand these people? Not really. Have I been using my best friend as a crutch? Yes.
One factor in what has made this bonding difficult is the fact that I am rarely in Lyon on the weekends. Out of 17 total weekends, I will have spent 5 here in Lyon without any visitors (two of which were before we even met anyone). I've been thinking lately that maybe I regret going away so much. Maybe I regret not spending time here practicing French and building friendships. But when I'm completely honest with myself? I don't. When I signed up for this program I said that I wanted to travel and really see Europe. By the time I go home, I will have 9 countries and 17 new cities under my belt. This is what I really wanted, and I'm doing it. So does it bother me to be the quiet one/bitch/outcast? For once in my life...not really. That may be rude, but quite frankly, I just don't care anymore.

I don't know if that really suffices but hey, it wasn't just me recounting another trip. Take it or leave it.